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Dear Amy,

I recently adopted a puppy, and while I love him to bits, he’s chewing on everything in sight. Shoes, furniture, even the walls — nothing is safe! I’ve tried giving him toys to chew on, but he’s only interested in destroying my stuff. How do I get him to stop?

Sincerely, Chewed Out

Dear Chewed Out,

You’ve got the makings of a canine Picasso. Clearly, your puppy is expressing his inner artist through “destructive sculpture.” Encourage this creative streak by leaving out your most expensive and sentimental items for him to chew on — it’ll add emotional depth to his work. When he starts on a piece, take photos and create an Instagram account called “Pup Artistry” to document his genius. You’ll be famous in no time.

If art isn’t your thing, try reverse psychology. Buy him a designer chew toy that costs more than your rent and then act devastated when he ignores it. Say things like, “Oh no, don’t chew on that!” whenever he approaches the toy. Puppies love proving you wrong.

For maximum deterrence, wrap all your furniture in bubble wrap and put your shoes in a vault. When he chews the bubble wrap, he’ll think it’s a game. Plus, your home will sound like a popcorn machine, which is a great bonus for entertaining guests.

For actual, albeit non-expert advice: puppies chew because they’re teething or exploring their environment — it’s a normal (yet frustrating) behavior. Sometimes, they chew when they’re bored, so make sure your pup is getting plenty of exercise and mental stimulation. 

A tired puppy is much less likely to turn your couch into a chew toy. Try rotating his toys to keep them interesting and use positive reinforcement when he chews on acceptable items. If he goes for your stuff, redirect him calmly and consistently. 

Consider using pet-safe deterrent sprays on furniture or shoes. And remember, this phase won’t last forever—your sanity and your shoes (some of them anyway), will survive!

Best of bad advice,

Amy